I recently watched a video from Therapy in a Nutshell titled How to Turn Off the Fear Response. While browsing through the comment section, one comment analyzing the video caught my attention:

“We’re not dependent on our circumstances to feel safe. We create emotional safety within ourselves through integrity. We create emotional safety in our relationships through consistency and compassion. We create physical safety through our perceptions and our actions as needed.”

We often wait for the “right” circumstance before we allow ourselves to relax. More often than not, we tell ourselves that we cannot rest until we have a steady income, a stable relationship, or a calm and predictable environment.

This perspective implies that safety (feeling safe) cannot be obtained from within but through meeting external conditions. By focusing on what is under our control, we can cultivate a more resilient mindset, step into action, and face adversity with greater confidence.

Emotional Safety in Relationships

One of the most powerful insights is that emotional safety in relationships can be created through consistency and compassion. Consistency signals reliability; when words and actions align over time, trust naturally grows.

But it isn’t a one-time effort. It requires prolonged and dedicated attention, showing up again and again in ways that build stability.

Compassion, meanwhile, adds depth to that consistency. It’s not just about being predictable; it’s about being emotionally present and considerate of the feelings of others.

Compassion allows us to connect, listen, and respond in ways that make others feel valued. Also, compassion emphasizes both care and action, which provide a sustainable foundation for relationships.

These attributes empower us to build relations that provide emotional safety by focusing on what is under our control.

Physical Safety Through Action and Perception

The quote also links safety to both action and perception. Action means taking responsibility by owning our decisions. Like addressing risks directly instead of waiting for others to step in or owning the consequence of our actions.

Hoping that circumstances improve on their own is passive; safety requires proactive effort.

Perception plays a subtler role. How we view the world, either through fear or through clarity, shapes how safe we feel. An “adequate lens to see reality” means checking our biases and distortions, so we’re not trapped by fears that don’t reflect actual risks.

Taking Responsibility for Our Well-Being

A final layer to reflect on: why is it so difficult to take control of our emotional well-being? Perhaps it’s because our capacity for change is limited by our beliefs.

To create real safety, we have to challenge those beliefs: about ourselves, about others, and about what’s possible. That discomfort is the price of growth.

So the question becomes: Are we willing to separate safety from circumstance and build it through integrity, consistency, compassion, action, and perception? The work is not easy, but it puts safety back in our hands, where it belongs.